Dyingdarkfuzz’s Blog

Yesterday was my birthday. It was a good day. It was a non-eating day. So I invited my kids out to have lunch with me. And I could not eat. Have you ever been hungry and surrounded by plates of mouthwatering food and unable to eat? We always have a birthday lunch. The birthday girl gets to pick the restaurant. They dressed up and were so excited, I didn’t have the heart to tell them no. 

Sigh. It was hard. The feeling sick is not as hard as the sore. You know, I was once told that all the tears I made him cry will come back to me. I know its insane and stupid, but I cant help but think about that time whenever its late at night and I am sad.

She left. Went on holiday. I am here, struggling with every day and she is by the sea, finding herself. I ask myself what is love. If you love someone, and they are having a tough time, do you not want to spend their last days with them? If you love someone can you abandon them? Let them cope alone? If you love someone can you ask for silly time? Would you have the need to go and fuck random women before you come and commit to me, the one dying? Would you not choose time to fuck around AFTER my death? Do you love me?

Sigh, she is young. I do feel loved, but sigh. Am I going to be a fool till the day I die?

I need ink. I need to feel alive. 

I wish I had the guts to just have a random sexual affair with my hot sm friend. Maybe that kind of pain will reiterate that I am alive. 

I wish I was not this needy. I wish I could just let her be. She says she loves me. She shows me she loves me. But then she does things like this. She is young, my brain says. How can she love you, something else says.

Cancer is hard. Not eating is hard. The hectic pain is hard. Constantly vomiting is hard. Drinking a million pills is hard. But living life, is just as hard.

If not more.