Dyingdarkfuzz’s Blog

You know, cancer, darling, when I met you four years ago, I was so surprised by your arrival that i marked you on my skin. I tattooed a cut on my inner elbow. with a drop of blue blood. Just a little reminder that whenever I see the “blood” I know I am still alive.

And you rocked and you rolled in that thrill, didn’t you? So you must have not liked when I kicked your ass and I had the world ALIVE tattooed on my spine. Did you feel slightly cheated that your friend, Death, could not take me? Hahaha I got you babe.

Or did I. You did and you know it, you got me back GOOD. See? You stole my words, my ability to write a sentence. I am tired of you.

But then again, I did manage to get a new tattoo. One that says forever on my wrist. Why? When the doctor said i will not see Christmas and I only have 6 months to live, i envisaged my death. Will there be someone? What would I have said to the children? Will she be there? But as usual, I just wanted me. Whenever I go to the doctor or whenever I hunch over my toilet bowl, splurting your little fighter pilots out, i just read the word on my wrist. Forever. Forever is now. No reason to wait for tomorrow to live life. Do it now. Here. Forever.

And the 24 stars on my shoulder? When he said you have 6 months to live, I started counting the weeks down. One week, one star. Tattoos make me happy, I like the pain. I don’t cry. But for many of these stars I have cried. Strange how they somehow are disappearing.. the artists say its all the chemicals in my body, dissolving the ink. I know its you, waiting, nibbling from the inside.