Dyingdarkfuzz’s Blog

i realised today that i am indeed dying.

i know, melodramtic. but it suddenly just cut through me when i was lying on a white bed in a white casualty ward waiting for my oncologist. 

i was crying for my children.and for the woman i love. and my ex husband. and my mother. and the new housekeeper and the moviestore.

what happens when you die and you still have movie rentals available at the movie rental place. do they ever wonder what happened to the chick with the shaven head? do you just float into a place of non existence.

its sore you know.

in my life i have never never had anyone throw their things on the floor and scream at me the way she did this morning. i suppose it was a shock. i mean really, even though i have loved her for some time and even though she asked me to marry her and even though we have had amazing fucking, i think i was shocked to hear her scream like that. i think for the first time ever i felt as if i exist.

you see, its complicated. she only left her girlfriend two weeks ago. and yes, she has lived with me since. but sigh. its complicated.

<if i know i must let her fool around with other women and if i know she needs what she calls silly time and if i know she wants to fuck other women before committing to me, am i a fool? why is it this sore? why does it feel as if i am not real? post traumatic stress syndrome it is called>

and why did i decide to blog. i need someone. not a friend that has a boyfriend and is involved in her own life. not a girl that asks me to be her gf every week. not a chick in taiwan. i want a non real person. even if you never come, dear friend, be with me.

< on that bed this morning i wondered what it feels like to die alone. i don’t want to die alone. i don’t want my kids there. i cant have her there. it will be wrong won’t it? to see the person you love die. i cant ask her that. but im scared. im so scared>

6 months ago my dr told me that i dont have to be worried <i hate xmas> about christmas. Because i might not live that long with this cancer that has been eating at my heart for 4 years. or is it longer? i dont know anymore. my memory is so bad. chemobrain they call it.

i stopped all medication. it kept on making me ill. it has been three weeks or is it four? i went with her to bali. it was tough. i kept on thinking of her girlfriend. i kept on thinking about the future. i am scared. i dont know. you know, i thought if i ignore it long enough it will go away. newsflash. it doesnt.

i have to accept the fact that i am dying.

thank you for reading. i needed to see it written down like that.

dear god i need to sleep.