cancer sucks in such a big way

November 28, 2008 at 10:04 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , )

 

i realised today that i am indeed dying.

i know, melodramtic. but it suddenly just cut through me when i was lying on a white bed in a white casualty ward waiting for my oncologist. 

i was crying for my children.and for the woman i love. and my ex husband. and my mother. and the new housekeeper and the moviestore.

what happens when you die and you still have movie rentals available at the movie rental place. do they ever wonder what happened to the chick with the shaven head? do you just float into a place of non existence.

its sore you know.

in my life i have never never had anyone throw their things on the floor and scream at me the way she did this morning. i suppose it was a shock. i mean really, even though i have loved her for some time and even though she asked me to marry her and even though we have had amazing fucking, i think i was shocked to hear her scream like that. i think for the first time ever i felt as if i exist.

you see, its complicated. she only left her girlfriend two weeks ago. and yes, she has lived with me since. but sigh. its complicated.

<if i know i must let her fool around with other women and if i know she needs what she calls silly time and if i know she wants to fuck other women before committing to me, am i a fool? why is it this sore? why does it feel as if i am not real? post traumatic stress syndrome it is called>

and why did i decide to blog. i need someone. not a friend that has a boyfriend and is involved in her own life. not a girl that asks me to be her gf every week. not a chick in taiwan. i want a non real person. even if you never come, dear friend, be with me.

< on that bed this morning i wondered what it feels like to die alone. i don’t want to die alone. i don’t want my kids there. i cant have her there. it will be wrong won’t it? to see the person you love die. i cant ask her that. but im scared. im so scared>

6 months ago my dr told me that i dont have to be worried <i hate xmas> about christmas. Because i might not live that long with this cancer that has been eating at my heart for 4 years. or is it longer? i dont know anymore. my memory is so bad. chemobrain they call it.

i stopped all medication. it kept on making me ill. it has been three weeks or is it four? i went with her to bali. it was tough. i kept on thinking of her girlfriend. i kept on thinking about the future. i am scared. i dont know. you know, i thought if i ignore it long enough it will go away. newsflash. it doesnt.

i have to accept the fact that i am dying.

thank you for reading. i needed to see it written down like that.

dear god i need to sleep.

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i love you i love you not

December 18, 2008 at 7:20 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , )

Yesterday was my birthday. It was a good day. It was a non-eating day. So I invited my kids out to have lunch with me. And I could not eat. Have you ever been hungry and surrounded by plates of mouthwatering food and unable to eat? We always have a birthday lunch. The birthday girl gets to pick the restaurant. They dressed up and were so excited, I didn’t have the heart to tell them no. 

Sigh. It was hard. The feeling sick is not as hard as the sore. You know, I was once told that all the tears I made him cry will come back to me. I know its insane and stupid, but I cant help but think about that time whenever its late at night and I am sad.

She left. Went on holiday. I am here, struggling with every day and she is by the sea, finding herself. I ask myself what is love. If you love someone, and they are having a tough time, do you not want to spend their last days with them? If you love someone can you abandon them? Let them cope alone? If you love someone can you ask for silly time? Would you have the need to go and fuck random women before you come and commit to me, the one dying? Would you not choose time to fuck around AFTER my death? Do you love me?

Sigh, she is young. I do feel loved, but sigh. Am I going to be a fool till the day I die?

I need ink. I need to feel alive. 

I wish I had the guts to just have a random sexual affair with my hot sm friend. Maybe that kind of pain will reiterate that I am alive. 

I wish I was not this needy. I wish I could just let her be. She says she loves me. She shows me she loves me. But then she does things like this. She is young, my brain says. How can she love you, something else says.

Cancer is hard. Not eating is hard. The hectic pain is hard. Constantly vomiting is hard. Drinking a million pills is hard. But living life, is just as hard.

If not more.

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fuck you fuck you fuck you

December 13, 2008 at 3:38 pm (Uncategorized)

i have had enough. i am sick and tired of missioning. and crying. and all that shyte. stopit.

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i scar my skin with you

December 8, 2008 at 12:34 pm (Uncategorized)

You know, cancer, darling, when I met you four years ago, I was so surprised by your arrival that i marked you on my skin. I tattooed a cut on my inner elbow. with a drop of blue blood. Just a little reminder that whenever I see the “blood” I know I am still alive.

And you rocked and you rolled in that thrill, didn’t you? So you must have not liked when I kicked your ass and I had the world ALIVE tattooed on my spine. Did you feel slightly cheated that your friend, Death, could not take me? Hahaha I got you babe.

Or did I. You did and you know it, you got me back GOOD. See? You stole my words, my ability to write a sentence. I am tired of you.

But then again, I did manage to get a new tattoo. One that says forever on my wrist. Why? When the doctor said i will not see Christmas and I only have 6 months to live, i envisaged my death. Will there be someone? What would I have said to the children? Will she be there? But as usual, I just wanted me. Whenever I go to the doctor or whenever I hunch over my toilet bowl, splurting your little fighter pilots out, i just read the word on my wrist. Forever. Forever is now. No reason to wait for tomorrow to live life. Do it now. Here. Forever.

And the 24 stars on my shoulder? When he said you have 6 months to live, I started counting the weeks down. One week, one star. Tattoos make me happy, I like the pain. I don’t cry. But for many of these stars I have cried. Strange how they somehow are disappearing.. the artists say its all the chemicals in my body, dissolving the ink. I know its you, waiting, nibbling from the inside.

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dear death

November 28, 2008 at 10:51 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , )

you know, its not gonna be a very nice place when i get there.

your peaceful dark place will be filled with drama.
and it will have lots of fake fire.
and red things that glimmer.
and lots and lots of cds.
and screaming. oh my god. i have never had this screaming like i had today.
and begging. why if i dont beg like this for nobody, why did you make me beg like that? how pathetic am i. so *&^$#@ fine, you got me, ok?? i have now had enough of your shitty little attitude of arriving and proclaiming your flesh. i have now had enough of your little seeds of chaos planting all over me.

i dont know myself anymore. funny that, the only thing i recognise is the image in the mirror. its the things inside and on top that i continiously see and feel that i dont recognise. this is not me, why do you want this me?

please let me go, i have a lot to do still. i have to fight for my kiddiewinkles. i have to make costumes and sew dance shoes and i have to still add 250 000 km to my car due to being a mom’s taxi.

i still have to love her. you know, without you here, mutherfukker, i am sick and tired of your shitty interfering. why the hell did you not give me a chance to just be? huh? we never stood a chance. you and your buddy fate. fck you both. you offered me forever, made me believe it can be. and then you fcked it up by fcking being here

so fcking fine. pick then. take me then i swear to god and the universe and the stars in the sky that i cant. i am tired of this sht. you not gonna take me now are you? you gonna make me suffer n cry n force me to be more n more melodramatic. 

dont you have enough? have you not seen me puke behind a tree enough times to fill the barrels of your disgust properly? have you not seen me act foolishly or speak incoherently enough? have you not robbed me of words and brains and calmness? have you not filled me enough with the fcking chaos? do you thrill in seeing me cry at the year end functions? do you giggle with glee when you see me bent over in pain. i bet you loved it this morning when a stranger came and said… your dr said i can give you morphine and then send you home. did you love the look in her eyes and did you love that i cried on her shoulder? did you love that when she asked can i give you anything else i stupidly said please look after my children and walked out there crying?

what dear death do you think it feels like saying good bye to the people and the things you love? do you have a *&^$#@ clue what its like to explain to big blue eyes that i will always be with them, even in death they always have to know i am there and i will always look after them. and that i believe in them. what the fck do you think is gonna happen to those three little kids , you fukker you? they are gonna be so fcked up when i die.

please please dont take me. i really am not ready yet. i still have to make the film and do my will and. and. i know i know you gave me time, but please.

you see what you made me into you fckwit? i am just a feeble excuse for a woman. what has happened to the woman that launches a mean punch at idiot men? what happened to the woman standing strong? what happened to the woman that could drink up a storm and charm women fck them till they cant breathe anymore? what have you done to the real me, the person capable of feeling and kindness and calm thoughts? was it really required that you turned me into a mindless mess? you took away my dignity. if only you heard me begging this morning. for my children, but also for myself

fck you muthafukker, i knew you were the fly on that wall and you thrived on my pathetic display. fck you, i wont give you that anymore. fck you. i cant anymore. you win, ok? fck it. fck you. fck you. 

if you take me, please take me now. send her off in a huff, let her go back and say: baby you are the one. that was a mistake. give her what she deserves, happiness.

you have taken the girls, you have given them to him. now you better make it fcking better. they need to be happy. make their new mommy a better mommy. show her how to make milktart and soup the way i do. 

let them grow up to always remember to be courageous and brave. like i was. not the way i am now. please god, dont let them remember me this way. i am not this. give me back me or slurp me into your arms. i swear i cant deal with this. i can deal with death more. i am tired of feeling this way

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